Plain Talk Series
Anger Resolution For
Couples
Communication is a key component to maintaining
a healthy and nurturing relationship. One of the most common and
damaging relationship pitfalls is the unheard problem that erodes
a relationship over time.
Unfortunately, we are not taught how to get our feelings heard and
our needs met without fighting with our partner. When you are
spitting mad, taking the time to actually sit down and think about
what is going on with you is easier said than done. Here are five
steps that will help you get your feelings heard, your needs met,
and lead to constructive problem resolution.
-
Set
Boundaries
-
Think before
you act
-
Express
-
Peace
-
Sync up and
acknowledge
Boundaries
While you and your partner are in a good place, establish
boundaries for resolving a problem. Boundaries are lines that you
draw to protect yourself from behavior you find damaging. These
boundaries should be anything that either you or your partner
deems destructive to your communication process. It is important
to remember this is not about consensus. If one partner has a
boundary of not yelling in anger and the other partner has a
boundary of no swearing, both boundaries are honored. Not breaking
the ground rules you both establish for disagreements will go a
long way in constructive communication.
Think before you act
When you find yourself getting angry or resentful toward your
partner, it's easy to slip into blaming. Blaming will only lead to
more hurt and anger. Now is the time to get clear about how you
feel and what you need. Let's use a simplified example to
demonstrate the process: your partner is two hours late getting
home, and hasn't called.
Our common response when we are angry is to attack. The second the
person comes in the door, the screaming starts. This accomplishes
little and will likely lead to an argument. Pretty soon the
argument escalates to include any sins committed since the
beginning of the relationship. The best option for you before you
discuss this with your partner is to get clear about your
feelings.
Think about how you feel, and why. Sometimes it helps to write it
all out. When you first start this process, let yourself just
vent. This helps dissipate some of that energy and moves you to a
place where you can focus on your feelings. Do you feel afraid,
alone, unimportant, or all three? Get to a place where you can use
"I" statements to describe how you feel. "I feel afraid. I feel
unimportant." It will probably take some time to get to a place
where it is about how you feel, not what the person did. Give
yourself the gift of taking that time.
After you're clear about how you feel, focus on what you need.
What do I need to help me feel better about this situation? How
can I get my needs met? Can I meet this need myself or do I need
help? "I need for people to call me when they are going to be more
than 15 minutes late."
When you feel focused and centered on your feelings and what you
need, take some time to think about why you love the person. It is
always helpful to remember some of the good things a person has
added to your life, and will help you come from a loving place
when you express your needs.
Express Your Needs
Now the time has come to express yourself to your partner.
Remember, this is about getting your feelings heard and your needs
met.
-
Ask the person if they can talk with
you. Make sure that you have given the person enough time for his
or her own processing. "I want to talk with you about how upset I was.
Is this a good time for you?"
-
Tell the person how much you love
them. "I just want to tell you how much I love you and how
important our relationship is to me." This may sound strange but
it actually helps relax the other person so that they can listen
to you. In addition, it will help the person be more receptive
your needs. Remember, this about getting your needs met!
-
Express how you feel. "I feel angry
and upset right now. I feel unimportant when a person is late and
does not let me know."
-
Tell the person what you need. "What I
really need from you is to call me when you are going to be more
than 15 minutes late."
-
Ask the person for support. "This is
really important to me, is this something you can do for me?"
In most
cases, if you follow this process the person will be more than
happy to meet your needs and more likely to follow through on
their support. You will feel heard and the disagreement should
feel resolved.
Peace
Check back with your feelings and determine if you still feel
angry or resentful. If you are, there is probably more that is
going on and the process should be repeated. If you do still feel
angry, make sure it is real anger. Sometimes we think that the
only way to win is for the other person to lose, and we feel
dissatisfied without the knock down, drag out fight. Hopefully,
you will feel really good at this point, your anger will be gone
and your needs met. This is a good time to give each other a hug
and reaffirm that you love each other.
Sync up & Acknowledge
A couple days later, check in with yourself and with your partner
to ensure the matter has been resolved. When the person supports
your needs in the way that you requested, make sure you
acknowledge that and tell them how much their support means to
you. This will reinforce the behavior and ensure that your needs
will continue to be met.
These steps will go a long way to improving your communication
with your partner during a disagreement. This will probably feel a
little strange at first. It will take practice. Think about how
wonderful it will be to get what you need without energy-draining,
defensive, and damaging fights. Remember, this is not about blame
and what the other person did "wrong". This is about getting your
feelings heard and your needs fulfilled. You and your partner will
both be happier with the result. If you have relationship problems
or frustrations that seem beyond your control, call Lorraine at
713.963.8031.
