Plain Talk Series
Communication With Your
Children
Handling children's anger can be puzzling, draining, and
distressing for adults. In fact, one of the major problems in
dealing with anger in children is the angry feelings that are
often stirred up in us. It has been said that we as parents,
teachers, counselors, and administrators need to remind ourselves
that we were not always taught how to deal with anger as a fact of
life during our own childhood. We were led to believe that to be
angry was to be bad, and we were often made to feel guilty
for expressing anger.
It will be easier to deal with children's anger if we get rid of
this notion. Our goal is not to repress or destroy angry feelings
in
children-or in ourselves-but rather to accept the feelings and to
help channel and direct them to constructive ends.
Parents and teachers must allow children to feel all their
feelings. Adult skills can then be directed toward showing
children acceptable ways of expressing their feelings. Strong
feelings cannot be denied, and angry outbursts should not always
be viewed as a sign of serious problems; they should be recognized
and treated with respect.
To respond effectively to overly aggressive behavior in children
we need to have some ideas about what may have triggered an
outburst. Anger may be a defense to avoid painful feelings; it may
be associated with failure, low ' self-esteem, and feelings of
isolation; or it may be related to anxiety about situations over
which the child has no control.
Angry defiance may also be associated with feelings of dependency,
and anger may be associated with sadness and depression. In
childhood, anger and sadness are very close to one another and it
is important to remember that much of what an adult experiences as
sadness is expressed by a child as anger.
Before we look at specific ways to manage aggressive and angry
outbursts, several points should be highlighted:
We should distinguish between anger and aggression. Anger is a
temporary emotional state caused by frustration; aggression is
often an attempt to hurt a person or to destroy property.
Anger and aggression do not have to be dirty words. In other
words, in looking at aggressive behavior in children, we must be
careful to distinguish between behavior that indicates emotional
problems and behavior that is normal.
In dealing with angry children, our actions should be motivated by
the need to protect and to teach, not by a desire to punish.
Parents and teachers should show a child that they accept his or
her feelings, while suggesting other ways to express the feelings.
An adult might say, for example, "Let me tell you what some
children would do in a situation like this... It is not enough to
tell children what behaviors. we find unacceptable. We must teach
them acceptable ways of coping. Also, ways
must be found to communicate what we expect of them. Contrary to
popular opinion, punishment is not the most effective way to
communicate to children what we expect of them.
Responding to the Angry Child
Some of the following suggestions for dealing with the angry child
were taken from The Aggressive Child by Fritz Redl and David
Wineman. They should be considered helpful ideas and not be seen
as a "bag of tricks."
Catch the child being good. Tell the child what behaviors please
you. Respond to positive efforts and reinforce good behavior. An
observing and sensitive parent will find countless opportunities
during the day to make such comments as "I like the way you come
in for dinner without being reminded"; "I appreciate your hanging
up your clothes even though you were in a hurry to get out to
play"; "You were really patient while I was on the phone"; "I'm
glad you shared your snack with your sister"; "I like the way
you're able to think of others"; and "Thank you for telling the
truth about what really happened."
Similarly, teachers can positively reinforce good behavior with
statement like "I know it was difficult for you to wait your turn,
and I'm pleased that you could do it"; 'Thanks for sitting in your
seat quietly"; "You were thoughtful in offering to help Johnny
with his spelling"; 'You worked hard on that project, and I admire
your effort"
Deliberately ignore inappropriate behavior that can be tolerated.
This doesn't mean that you should ignore the child, just the
behavior. The "ignoring" has to be planned and consistent. Even
though this behavior may be tolerated, the child must recognize
that it is inappropriate.
Provide physical outlets and other alternatives. It is important
for children to have opportunities for physical exercise and
movement, both at home and at school.
Manipulate the surroundings.
Aggressive behavior can be encouraged by placing children in
tough, tempting situations. We should try to plan the surroundings
so that certain things are less apt to happen. Stop a "problem"
activity and substitute, temporarily, a more desirable one.
Sometimes rules and regulations, as well as physical space, may be
too confining.
Use closeness and touching. Move physically closer to the child to
curb his or her angry impulse. Young children are often calmed by
having an adult nearby.
Express interest in the child's activities. Children naturally try
to involve adults in what they are doing, and the adult is often
annoyed at being bothered. Very young children (and children who
are emotionally deprived) seem to need much more adult involve
ment in their interests. A child about to use a toy or tool in a
destructive way is sometimes easily stopped by an adult who
expresses interest in having it shown to him. An outburst from an
older child struggling with a difficult reading selection can be
prevented by a caring adult who moves near the child to say, "Show
me which words are giving you trouble?
Be ready to show affection. Some times all that is needed for any
angry child to regain control is a sudden hug or other impulsive
show of affection. Children with serious emotional problems,
however, may have trouble accepting affection.
Ease tension through humor. Kidding the child out of a temper
tantrum or outburst offers the child an opportunity to "save
face." However, it is important to distinguish between face saving
humor and sarcasm or teasing ridicule.
Appeal directly to the child. Tell him or her how you feel and ask
for consideration. For example, a parent or a teacher may gain a
child's cooperation by saying, "I know that noise you're making
doesn't usually bother me, but today I've got a headache, so could
you find something else you'd enjoy doing?"
Explain situations. Help the child understand the cause of a
stressful situation. We often fail to realize how easily young
children can begin to react properly once they understand the
cause of their frustration.
Use physical restraint. Occasionally a child may lose control so
completely that he has to be physically restrained or removed from
the scene to prevent him from hurting himself or others. This may
also "save face" for the child. Physical restraint or removal from
the scene should not be viewed by the child as punishment but as a
means of saying, "You can't do that." In such situations, an adult
cannot afford to lose his or her temper, and unfriendly remarks by
other children should not be tolerated.
Encourage children to see their strengths as well as their
weaknesses. Help them to see that they can reach their goals.
Use promises and rewards. Promises of future pleasure can be used
both to start and to stop behavior. This approach should not be
compared with bribery. We must know what the child likes-what
brings him pleasure-and we must deliver on our promises.
Say "NO!" Limits should be clearly explained and enforced.
Children should be free to function within those limits.
Tell the child that you accept his or her angry feelings, but
offer other suggestions for expressing them. Teach children to put
their angry feelings into words, rather than fists.
Build a positive self-image. Encourage children to see themselves
as valued and valuable people.
Use punishment cautiously. There is a fine line between punishment
that is hostile toward a child and punishment that is educational.
Model appropriate behavior. Parents and teachers should be aware
of the powerful influence of their actions on a child's or group's
behavior.
Teach children to express themselves verbally. Talking helps a
child have control and thus reduces acting out behavior. Encourage
the child to say, for example, 'I don't like your taking my
pencil. I don't feel like sharing just now."
The Role of Discipline
Good discipline includes creating an atmosphere of quiet firmness,
clarity, and conscientiousness, while using reasoning. Bad
discipline involves punishment which is unduly harsh and
inappropriate, and it is often associated with verbal ridicule and
attacks on the child's integrity.
As one fourth-grade teacher put it: "One of the most important
goals we strive for as parents, educators, and mental health
professionals is to help children develop respect for themselves
and others? While arriving at this goal takes years of patiem
practice, it is a vital process in which parents, teachers, and
all caring adults can play a crucial and exciting role. In order
to accomplish this, we must see children as worthy human beings
and be sincere in dealing with them.
If you are having
Parent child relationship issues, call Lorraine at 713.963.8031.
